zaterdag 24 maart 2012

R.O.F.L.: The Third And Final Report

The Professor continued: "The same year Thee Priory was founded, four performance-art weirdos from Hebden Bridge moved to Dalston, which is in London", he added for the benefit of American readers. "They formed a highly transgressive and controversial electro-skiffle band called Wobbly Sausage - you may have heard about their infamous debut performance at the tea rooms in Fortnum & Mason, in which they sellotaped photos of Myra Hindley's face onto naked girls cut out of Razzle and everyone who saw them instantly exploded into a fleshy mist from sheer outrage. The lead vocalist and kazoo player calls himself Exodus B-Ranflakes and has had cosmetic surgery to make himself indistinguishable from Barbara Windsor" he went on, expositively.

"Zat is all fery well, but what does it 'ave to do wiz my poor meurdeured grandpere?" enquired Sexine, sadly. Ben Drown glanced over at her and started weighing up his chances of getting an easy pork while she was in this confused, distraught state. Then he remembered she was a French chick and who knows what goes on in their heads, I mean seriously? Sheesh.

"I was coming to that", replied the Professor. "Wobbly Sausage was originally affiliated with Thee Priory, as they shared similar views about musical eschatology. But in the early '80s there was an ideological rift when the Sausages declared war on everything, including themselves, and Thee Priory decided it had had enough to do with mad white cunts and told them to fuck off. Subsequent schisms led to the breakup of the band, and recently B-Ranflakes has excommunicated his own left leg because of its laughably mainstream interpretation of the Rite of Thoth. I suspect a former member of the group - possibly B-Ranflakes's other leg - is behind both your grandfather's murder and this mixtape of godawful shite that's doing the rounds at the moment and is apparently making kids' heads explode," he finished, nicely tying up this thread with the other stuff, Drown noted.

zaterdag 24 december 2011

Into the Zone(s)

It began with the Government-mandated registration of speculative realists and speculative real-estate agents. The wub-wub-wub of urban junglism had crept into people's souls and disrupted the borders of reality. Each day it slipped away a little more, geography became that bit more psycho and you never knew how long any given neighborhood was going to remain stable. The junk would numb you to the worst of it but even on the nod, you knew it was a temporary fix at best.

Oyster card, plastic wallet named for the chosen aphrodisiac of Roman emperors - gods made flesh who played at war like it was dice and dallied evenings away with beautiful adolescent fauns in groves of cypress trees, cooled by crystal fountains in the warm nights of Etruscan summer. Now they transport you between InterZones 1 through 9, used to be 6 but then the city in one of its characteristic spasms of growth enveloped a couple outlying towns like an amoeba swallowing bacteria. I swear this goddamn shitheap gets smarter with each passing season, it knows how to get to you...each street preempts your every thought, buildings from far off have that glow of a promised metropolis but as you approach it's just another old warehouse halfway to being made into flats. TOX got here in '03 and left his paint-piss, gonna be gone soon when the council boys get here to clean the place up for designers who'll sell the same scrawl back to you on a T-shirt for fifty notes. London is not a young town: it is old and dirty and evil, before the hipsters, before the cockneys. The evil is there, waiting.

donderdag 22 december 2011

Every Tongue Confess

Every tongue confess. Eagle and Snake and Scorpion! The Dance Of Death whirls Life from our eyes. When I call, O God of my righteousness, thou hear the dance; its balance is exact. The practice of magic is the invocation of Divine and Blood. Eva know him and dem was friend. Yes, them cast him in the lions' den..
   Moses gathered all the children of Israel together; and every tongue confess.
Shalt thou hear in the morning, O Jah? Hear me when I reached the men that gathered, all the coming of Jah is near! Jah shall destroy them. Jah said unto them:
‘Six days shall wipe away, all tears from our eyes.’ To each his Understanding. In Zion, all troubles will be over. Jah shall bow, and shall destroy them.
   After my initiation accidents were still happening to me.
   Jah shall wipe away all tears. How long, O Lord, in the God-Man? Lamp of the coming of Jah, Jah Almighty. Ye shall put to death, ye shall work in your habitations upon  the Sabbath day, a day of slaughter. Jah shall wipe away all troubles. Behold, the children of Israel together.
   After my initiation there could be felt the demons, evil forces, some of which are definitely malicious. It is never necessary for a magician to deal with them, except as a bacteriologist studies disease germs, to find out their nature and subdue them.  The rampant Beast - life here on earth have been filled with luxury and pleasure. You have been filled with luxury and pleasure. The evil secret seed of all Life - the serpent begets Gods. The demons, evil forces, had congregated round me so thickly that they were shutting off the light. It was a comforting situation. It is necessary to my purpose.
   How long, how long, O Jah? Hear me when I call. I the Moon. Through the water floods life and rapture, Wine and Blood.
   The sun was streaming into the room, but in vain; there was a darkness...

woensdag 21 december 2011

This story's got legs

Minerva could not find a fleck or flaw—even Envy can not censure perfect art—enraged because Arachne had such skill she ripped the web, and ruined all the scenes that showed those wicked actions of the Gods; and with her boxwood shuttle in her hand, struck the unhappy mortal on her head,—struck sharply thrice, and even once again. Arachne's spirit, deigning not to brook such insult, brooded on it, till she tied a cord around her neck, and hung herself. Minerva, moved to pity at the sight, sustained and saved her from that bitter death; but, angry still, pronounced another doom: “Although I grant you life, most wicked one, your fate shall be to dangle on a cord, and your posterity forever shall take your example, that your punishment may last forever!” Even as she spoke, before withdrawing from her victim's sight, she sprinkled her with juice—extract of herbs of Hecate. At once all hair fell off, her nose and ears remained not, and her head shrunk rapidly in size, as well as all her body, leaving her diminutive.—Her slender fingers gathered to her sides as long thin legs; and all her other parts were fast absorbed in her abdomen—whence she vented a fine thread;—and ever since, Arachne, as a spider, weaves her web.

dinsdag 20 december 2011

"Oh like duuuuh" said Sexine, rolling their eyes. "Eeeeevveeeryone knows that like, Kode 9 invented all of that occult shit when him and all those other STUDENTS went to UNIVERsSITY. Oh my god, like, when people did that shit? It's un-bel-eeeeev-able. That was when Ant and Dec were in the charts and

injects, knowledge can make drowning.

oh fuck off man, you know that psychic shit gives me spots and I JUST DONT NEED THAT RIGHT NOW.

Everyone knows that they all went to that UNI and then decided to inflict their stupid egos upon everyone else. Oh MY GOD, what were they called? Like the Ctulthu Warriors or something, jesus. It's no wonder someone killed grandfather, it's his own fault. It's a wonder any of them are left alive. If you ask me it's Mark Fisher that's doing it. He's fucking off his head, that one. Report that cunt to the la-la police right now, if you ask me.

I just like looking back and thinking, oh MY GOD, no wonder they, like, abolished universities if that's the sort of shit they came out with. My god, have you read that Nick one? Jesus what a load of shit. And he was one of their teachers!

At this point, we feel that Sexine has outdone their usefulness and their androgyny, and will be dispatched with forthwith. By shit that's way darker than any Speculative Realist could ever realise. This demon blogs hard. What.

maandag 19 december 2011


I will make them eat the flesh of their sons and daughters,
and they will eat one another's flesh,
during the stress of the siege imposed on them,
by the enemies who seek their lives.